Simply Existing
by Danni1989
Summary: Being alone at Christmas is too much for Elena to handle. She decides there's only one thing she can do. Written for the 2015 A2A exchange on LiveJournal.


**Hey there, this is my second story for the A2A Christmas Exchange on LiveJournal, written for a prompt by Kate~~ thisismyescape. I hope you enjoy it.**

 **Prompt:** **I'm an angst-addict. I don't have a super specific prompt, do whatever you want, but I'm craving for someone to take my heart in their hand and crush it. Make me cry big, fat crocodile tears with your words! Make me need to take a break so that I need to calm down before continuing on, and then I want to cry again when it ends on a heartbreakingly beautiful note (fluffy or tragic, it's your call). Basically, just make it painful. Please.**

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I parked the electric blue Camaro by the curb and made my way through the aisles of snow covered tombstones. Carrying a bottle of bourbon I pilfered from a locked cabinet at the Boarding House, I finally stopped at a small cluster of stones holding some of the most important people in my life.

"Merry Christmas." I started, my voice hoarse. I tried to keep my emotions in check but sometimes it's hard, especially with vampire blood flowing through my veins. As a member of the undead, my emotions are so much harder to control and being alone at Christmas was one of the worst things imaginable.

"Hi guys." I said sitting down in front of my mom's stone. The etchings on the tombstones didn't fully describe who these people were to me. They were more than just a loving wife and mother, a loving husband and father, or a loving sister, friend and daughter. They were so much more, maybe not to others but definitely to me. "Do you remember that one Christmas, I must have only been nine or ten? But you wanted to have the perfect Christmas. Perfect tree, perfect outfits, perfect photos, perfect decorations and perfect food. You wanted it to be perfect for the first time in our lives." I started wiping a stray tear from my eye.

"We bought the tree but then that's when things started going all to hell. Griswold style, the tree didn't fit in our house which was the start. Dad ended up having to chop off the top of the tree but that looked so stupid that you refused to have anyone over. We couldn't even put a star on top, it was so mangled. If that wasn't bad enough, dad managed to cut all the power to the entire house for six hours when he was hanging the lights outside. On Christmas Day, you burned the turkey and Jenna fell asleep while we were at the grocery store, forgetting to take the pie out. Everything was burnt to a crisp. We ended up going to the Grill for dinner because that was the only place open. It was a complete disaster, but we had so much fun. I would give anything for a Christmas like that again. You could give me the worst possible Christmas with you guys but I would trade it for the best one I could have without you. It's not the same without family to celebrate with." I said wiping another tear from my eye. They were coming faster now, but I wasn't done talking yet. It was cold outside and the snowflakes were falling quickly. The big fat ones that I used to love when I was a kid.

"Mom, do you remember when I was fifteen, dad and Jeremy had already gone to bed because it was fairly late. You were still up having a glass of wine in the kitchen on Christmas Eve. I came down to join you and you invited me to sit beside you. You even poured me a glass of wine and told me not to tell dad. I guess the secret's out now, huh? We sat there until the early hours of morning just talking about everything. You asked me about Matt and what I thought our future would be and I told you the truth. That was when you told me that I would know when the right person came along. I would know when the other half of me appeared in my life, because he would someday. He would make all the broken pieces inside of me fit together perfectly, like they've never been apart. It wouldn't be easy but it would be everything I would ever need. You told me that it would be okay if that wasn't with Matt. You smirked at me over your wine glass and told me that I was still young. I should play the field and enjoy it while I can. You told me that I was a catch and that someday the right guy would find me and would never let me go. We stayed up until morning, just talking. When the sun rose we made breakfast together and watched movies as a family all day. You, me, dad, Jeremy and Jenna. No one ever knew that we stayed up all day, just talking and drinking wine. I was only fifteen but you let me drink that wine. It's one of my fondest memories." I told her. I hoped she was smiling down at me and remembering these moments with me.

"Daddy, do you remember all those little gifts you'd get me for Christmas that were only from you? You told me to keep them a secret and that they were between you and me. The first year, you bought me that bracelet and I loved the idea of having a secret like that. I only wore it when you and I went out together. I pulled it out of my jewelry box a few months back and I haven't taken it off since. It's a little tighter now, I guess that shows how much time has gone by. I just wanted you to know, that I still have everything you ever gave me. I still cherish them every day and they remind me of you. Each one is a specific memory of a time that I spent with you." I told him. I took a swig of the bourbon, hoping to calm my nerves. I wasn't done talking yet, not by a long shot. I had so much more I needed to say to them.

"Do you remember the year we spent Christmas at the Lake House so no one could find us? I asked you to push me down the hill on my sled, but you pushed me too hard. I went down the hill so fast and towards the bottom I bolted because I was heading to a snow drift. You were slightly panicked so you were running down the hill after me but by the time I rolled off the sled, you were unable to stop. I called for you but you kept going and going, more or less sliding along the snow. You went face first into the snow bank and I remember falling on my ass and laughing so hard. I couldn't even get up and walk over to you. My stomach hurt so bad from laughing. When you finally rolled onto your back you were laughing too. Mom had to come out of the house to check on us we were laughing so hard. Jeremy was still at the top of the hill waiting for us to come back. He never came down. He told me later that night that he thought we were losing our minds. Maybe we were, but it's still as funny today as it was then." I told them. I was getting lost in my memories, I had to remember why I was there. Reminiscing about the old times wasn't why I was with my family.

"Look, I think it's time I got to the point. Reminiscing was nice but it's not why I'm here. I wanted to say that I'm sorry. I let you guys down. I'm not the girl you deserve to have as a daughter." I said. The tears were flowing steadily now.

"When I lost you guys I was completely lost for the longest time. But then Stefan came into my life. He showed me how to live again and I loved him. But then he wasn't able to protect me. He let me die and it took me a long time to forgive him for that. You guys taught me to forgive but I was unable to do that. I couldn't forgive him and instead I fell in love with his brother. If I'm being honest, I fell in love with Damon long before I turned. It's like you told me that night with the wine. You quoted Johnny Depp to me. You said "you know Johnny Depp is both a genius and remarkably good looking. He said that if you ever fall in love with two people at the same time, choose the second one because if you truly loved the first, you would never have fallen for the second" You told me that and I was positive I would never need to use that advice. I filed it away as I did with everything you told me. But then I put it to use. I fell in love with Damon after I loved Stefan, so I chose Damon. But now I wonder if that was the right choice?" I asked. I knew I wasn't going to get an answer but I wished I would.

"You're probably wondering why I'm here alone tonight. Well everyone is gone. Everyone has left Mystic Falls behind except for me. Stefan and Caroline are dating and are travelling the US trying to find a place that speaks to both of them. Jeremy is gone and I'm glad he is living his life. But no calls no nothing. He's completely washed his hands of everything Mystic Falls. I'm here alone. So alone." I cried. The next grave I had to visit was going to be the hardest one yet. I wasn't ready to face him. I looked over my shoulder and knew the sun was going to be coming up soon. I took another long swig from the bottle of bourbon before telling my family I loved them and walking to the other side of the cemetery.

I buried him by myself and I didn't want him by my parents. They were two completely different parts of my life. If my parents had survived and I never learned of vampires I would never have fallen madly in love with Damon Salvatore. By the time I reached his grave, I was crying even harder than I had been with my mom and dad.

"Hi baby." I greeted him. I knew Damon was on the other side listening to me. I didn't know for sure if my parents' were but I knew Damon was.

"I'm drinking your bourbon and driving your car. I hope you have your car and bourbon on the other side with you. It's just small things like that, that make me feel like I'm close to you. I'm sorry that I haven't been here talking to you lately. It's been too hard. It was hard being alone at your funeral, it was hard being the only one burying you. I slept outside that night with you and when I finally dragged myself home, I was a shell of who I used to be. I haven't talked to anyone since that fateful night I lost you. I didn't even try to go after those who took you from me. I just completely lost myself and you didn't deserve that. I want you to know how much I loved you. I loved everything about you and I can't live without you. It's not really living if I'm just existing. I sit there in your car from the time I wake up in the morning and drink. It's all I do. I wake up in our bed with my face mashed into your pillow. Your scent is beginning to fade and I can't handle it. I can't duplicate your scent. I've tried but I can't do it. I wanted to spend Christmas with you. I don't know what's out there but I hope you're happy. I can't wait to join you on the other side. I can't be without you anymore." I said letting out a sob. Talking to him was making me feel more at peace since that night months ago that I lost him. The attack was senseless, and he of course saved me but sacrificed himself.

"Stefan never should have saved me. If he hadn't, my parents would still be here and you would be happy. You wouldn't be dead right now. Your life means more to me than mine ever would. You deserved so much more than you got. I ruined so many lives, if only Stefan would have left well enough alone, everyone would have been better off. I'm sorry I ruined your life." I cried. The sun was beginning to come up but I wasn't done yet. I had more I had to tell him in case I never got the chance to do it again. I felt it in my heart that he was listening, he wouldn't be happy about what he was hearing.

"You remember our first Christmas as a couple? We had a few more after that one, but that was the most perfect. I woke up to find a fully decorated tree in the parlour. You had stayed up all night to make sure I woke up to Christmas. You told me that you didn't do Christmas and you never would. Not even for me. We fought about it and we went to bed angry. I don't know when you got out of bed, but it would have taken you hours to do what you did. I came downstairs and Christmas music was playing softly, the tree was beautifully lit up and you had decorations on every available surface. You were in the kitchen making breakfast and I caught you whistling along with the song. I never told you that I heard you. That was the Christmas that I finally knew for sure that we would spend an eternity loving each other. We spent the day sitting on the floor by the tree, alternating between just holding each other and doing other things. I never wanted that night to end. But everything has to end sometime." I said. My arms were wrapped around my knees.

"I'm running out of time Damon, I just want you to know that I have loved every single second that we've spent together. I loved you when you were my friend, and I loved you even more when you were my soul mate. If I don't see you again soon, my plan didn't work. But I can no longer live in a world where you don't exist. I said it earlier, existing isn't living, and I can't live without you. I love you so much Damon." I said as I finally got the guts to remove my daylight ring.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~DE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~DE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"That was an incredibly stupid thing to do." I heard when I opened my eyes. I was staring at the incredibly familiar ceiling of the incredibly familiar bedroom of Damon Salvatore.

"Damon, it's you." I cried, launching myself out of the bed and into his arms. I could touch him, I could feel him. We may both be officially dead but at least we were together.

"I heard everything you said Elena, and it's still a stupid thing to do. What about all of our friends and family?" He demanded as he held me. I knew he was as happy to see me as I was him but he was always so selfless.

"They all left me. They didn't care anymore." I told him. I refused to stop touching him. I needed to feel him under my fingertips.

"Jeremy cares. He's devastated that now he's the only Gilbert left. He regrets leaving Mystic Falls, and for not coming back when I died." He told me and I held back my tears.

"Jeremy will be better off without me." I told him certainly.

"This other side isn't going to be what you hope it's going to be." He told me still worried about my choice. I took his face in both of my hands and forced him to look at me.

"I was just existing, I wasn't living when I was still alive. I need you for that. Anywhere with you is better than the life I was living on Earth." I told him. I didn't let him respond, instead I kissed him. It was still Christmas after all and that was what I needed most of all.


End file.
